Having Babies--How do you know if you're done?

[psymom]

Sort of off topic, but sort of not...

Those of you that are finished having babies…how did you know when you were done? I have three and my youngest just turned one. Up until about a month ago, I was 50/50 on having another baby, then all of a sudden I was 95% sure that we are done. Now, the timing of this rather swift change in my feelings coincided with two things...my baby's first birthday AND when I discovered Twilight.

I only thought I would ever have one child, but then my daughter came along (a BIG surprise, and a blessing, of course), and then I WANTED more kids--a big family (I am the baby of 5). I love being pregnant, I love childbirth, I love nursing my babies, I love it all. But, it is HARD WORK, as you all know! Now, I am thinking it might be nice to get back to my romance with my husband, which while it is always there, doesn't always get the attention it deserves when you are nursing a baby while cooking dinner and disciplining your four year old (all at the same time).

Bottom line is I know I would never regret having another child, but I might regret NOT having one.

Any thoughts?

By the way, I am Episcopalian, not LDS, if that makes a difference?!

[inspiredbytwilight]

I have 5 kids and still have trouble saying I'm done. I love being a mom and it's all I ever wanted to be. I've always said I'm having 6 kids but I feel so overwhelmed sometimes with the 5 I have. My friend has 5 kids all the same ages as mine and knew she was done with number 5. I've never got that feeling that I'm done but at the same time I'm not sure if I can handle more. I think it is a really individual decision. We've had times where we have prayed and felt we should have more kids and other times where I just got pregnant. My youngest just turned 2 and I just turned 35 so times ticking...I still don't know if I'm done or not.
Good luck, I'm sure someone on this thread has better advice than me.

[twilamarie2003]

I think only you can tell yourself the answer to that question. I know personally, I was set on having 3 kids. For as long as I can remember, I have always thought I would have three kids. But when my hubby and I were talking about having our 3rd child, I had a very strong impression that there would be one more after our 3rd. I don't know how to explain it, but I just knew that 3 wasn't the right number, even though all along I was set on 3. We are trying for our 4th right now, but I am sooooo very confident that this will be our last. I just feel ready to be done now. I feel ok with it and am ready to move on. Good friends of mine have had similar experiences. They just knew, or felt ok with being done. I know people base the number of children they have on financial reasons, or economic reasons or religion. There are plenty of reasons that make people choose how many kids to have. I think everyone is different and has to make that choice for themselves. The only advice I can give it to trust your intuition, be honest to your thoughts and feelings. If you are religious, pray. And unless you are thinking of making a serious change (like having your tubes tied or a vasectomy) I suppose you have time to change your mind. Good luck!

[sarahpat]

Hey, this is a topic we are contimplating in our house too. I have 2 boys and just had a baby girl - 4 months. I always thought I'd have 4 kids - 2 boys and 2 girls in that order. So far that is the way it is going. I really want my little girl to have a sister, I am so close to my sister and can't imagine not giving her that same kind of relationship. BUT, my husband thinks we are done. And I don't blame him. Kids are so hard. I love them so much and sometimes I worry that I am going to ruin them, so what gives me the right to bring another one into this family just because it's what I said I wanted. Since having kids I've realized that I know nothing and have gone back on everything I thought I knew about raising kids. I think that what was said above is right. It has to be serioulsy meditated over, or prayed about. One thing my friend told me though was; you know that you will love that child and will give it a good caring home with love and support. That is so much more than what other children are born into. :?

[Jenny]

It's so funny that you bring this up because the exact same thing happened to me. I always thought I wanted 4 kids. I have three 7, 5, and 20 months. I too feel 95% sure I'm done now. Up until a few months ago I was so torn on the subject, wondering if I was being selfish. But now I really feel content with my decision. The problem is that you know you would love any more that you had. But that goes for #4 or #15. It's a very personal decision. Personally, I think I felt pressured to have four because of church, not a good reason to keep having children.

[amy16]

From the time I peed on that stick for number 4, I knew in my gut that we were done. That baby hungery feeling was gone and it never came back. I've never regretted it either. With all the other 3, after delivery, I was waiting for the next time. With #4 it was gone. I realized that when I was just as excited for the week vacation in the hospital as the baby (c-section gives you 5 days!) I knew that I was done.

but to each their own.

[lisa]

I only have 2, 5yrs and 9yrs, but I know I'm done. (And I am LDS. So that's not too common in my culture) I just know how much I can handle and I feel content with the decision. (I've prayed about it and pondered it and talked it over w/ the hubby). I have plenty of "excuses" like financial burden or I'm putting my hubby thru school and have to work full time, or that my 9yr old daughter is developmentally delayed and is basically equivalent to a 3 or 4 year old. But it's not the excuses that made me not want to have any more. It just feels like the right thing for our family and my marriage right now...(of course, who knows what the future will bring. I can say I'm done now and find out I'm prego tomorrow *shudders*. Life has a way of throwing your plans out of whack sometimes) It is a personal decision between husband and wife, and God. My husband still wants to have one more, but I just can't do it. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm done and I know the answer to "how many" isn't the same for everyone so I think whatever is decided upon between couples and after meditation and prayer is the decision to go with. You know it's the right decision by the way you feel about it. Do you feel peace and contentment or do you feel discomfort or like you are rationalizing, or even guilt? That's what you have to be honest with yourself about. That's how you know. :wink:

[mom2six]

First of all, no, I don't think religion matters at all! Second of all, this is a very difficult and personal decision. For us, we wanted 4. When I was pregnant with #4, one day I sat and cried for hours thinking that that would be the last time I would ever be pregnant or hold a newborn. I knew then that we were NOT done! After #5 was born, I really wanted to be done. 5 kids now days especially, is tough! People would ask (they always do), "So are you done?" or "Are you having another one?" (I highly recommend NEVER asking anyone that - it's rude IMO) I would always answer, "I don't know." One aunt then responded, "Well, that means your not (done)." From the moment I thought I might be pregnant with #6, it felt "complete". She was practically a miraculous conception. We weren't trying, but not really preventing either. I knew (from very careful calculations) that I was still at least 6 days from ovulating. And, what do you know? I get pregnant. (Don't believe the text books when they say sperm only lives 3 days. I have a beautiful daughter to prove them wrong!)

ANYWAY (queen of tangents, here) we had 4 boys, 1 girl when we got pregnant with #6. I always felt there was another girl. So, when I was feeling very complete with #6 on the way, I was also worried it wasn't a girl. My hubby says he knew from the start she was a girl and we were done. We have just always felt very complete. I look at babies and have NO desire for another! I loved being pregnant, and I'm totally okay with the fact that I never will be again. I don't look around and think, "Someone is missing" like I did before she was born. It's just whole, complete, and right. and if you don't feel that, I would SERIOUSLY consider having another. There you go!! More than you wanted, I'm sure! Never forget to pray about it -- no matter what religion you are!!

[psymom]

WOW, thanks ladies. I really appreciate all of your responses and your candor. I noticed that many of you have a lot of kids, and that is something that is not common in my area, so I wanted to get that perspective. Most people around here think I am crazy to have three, I think. My husband thinks we are done...when I had my third, the post-partum ward was on the 2nd floor, but that night it was full, so they had to put me on the THIRD floor (my husband said it was a sign), then they put me in the room and what was the room number? 333!!! Again, my husband said "read the signs, they are EVERYWHERE!" When our priest came to visit the new baby, he asked if we wanted to have any more children and my husband told him about all the signs...he said, "Room 333, huh? Maybe that's means you are supposed to have 9 children!"

I kind of agree with the idea that if you have any question about being done, you should have another, and I too would LOVE for my daughter to have a sister, but like Lisa said, the idea of another child is daunting. I also worry that that need to have another baby may NEVER fully go away--apparently it never did for my mom--she would take these kids from me in a heartbeat if I would let her. I keep telling her she needs to go down to the NICU and volunteer to hold the preemies so she can get her baby fix!

Anyway, I need to do some more thinking and praying about this--thanks for all of your input and I welcome any more thoughts you might have!

[yogagurl]

Prayer really does work wonders.

Not that the Lord always says what we want to hear!!!
Honestly I don't think religion has anything to do with anything about babies either.

I have three and *thought* I was done at 2 ( never make out in the closet...tmi?) We got a bit of a surprise with our baby, who is now 6. As soon as she was part of our family I KNEW without a doubt that we were complete. She just finished us up nicely.

I have an interesting story though, so we had medical issues we had to juggle. I will have to post that another time. But, here is the short version:

I had cancer at 21. I was told I would NEVER have children. I won't tell you what I told the Dr., Honestly I don't know how I had the kids but, I did. I almost died twice in losses (I have had 7 misscarriges) and with the birth of my last...so, hang in there. Pray, listen to your heart. Feel it out, Ponder and listen. God really does hear us! He loves us, He will awnser you. Promise.

[Rhonda]

wow! I need you ladies to come breath on me with all your fertileness!!!

I have one. He was concieved by IVF - so he's my miracle baby.


Yogagirl - I have gone thru 2 miscarries so wow, I can't even imagine how brave you are to have gone thru 7 - and to have 3 children. Im just overwhelmed to think of your journey youve had!

I think I would like 3. Its a lot of work to get to that... I have really been praying for the next time we try to get twins. I know - Im a nutball!

however if you walked thru my livingroom at the moment you'd think there were enough toys everywhere for at least 10 more kids!

[twilamarie2003]

I've only had one miscarraige and that was last month. You are brave to keep going after 7. You are all awesome! You are inspiring in so many different ways!